Birthday 2023

11th March 2023, that's where I am!

What can I say, I fucked up! I forgot to look out for number one! You know how when an airplane loses pressure and the oxygen mask falls from the ceiling you are supposed to put it on yourself first and then help the others around you!? Well, I’m one of those idiots who ran to the back of the plane to make sure the oxygen was on and then put the mask on every passenger I passed on my way back to my own seat….

ok that makes me out to be some kind of saint, I'm definitely not that. I am greedy and needy just like everyone else (whether I want to admit it or not). I just don’t seem to be able to shake that society rule that states I have to be good to be a worthy person. I have always had guilt when things go well for me. Which means I have often ‘bought’ my acceptance into my idea of society at the cost of my own well being. Instead of investing in my own future I helped others in financial trouble. Instead of purchasing my own home I paid bills for another. I honestly did it to help with no thought of repayment… But I was dumb, naive and lived in a dreamworld. 

I always hid my fears, hid my secret unworthiness. No-one but the closest of close knew the insecure me! Most people didn’t know my true anxiety-filled, fear-ridden self. I often even managed to hide that part of me from Me! so there is truly no one else to blame for my current situation other than myself.

On my 50th birthday I had a successful business. I lived in a large house with gorgeous grounds. I had my bestest buddy a fabulous staffiture bullterriour constantly at my side. life was good! True… it wasn't my house, even though I was paying for it, but we were Family! The business was turning a profit and I was considering paying myself a decent salary. I had a basic plan for my future which seemed like a dream life for me. literally one day later everything changed!

Within 7 months the business was gone! my savings were almost used up. The day my beloved staffy left my side for good, I made a decision (seriously the worst day of my life ever)! If I had to start over anyway I would do it in a place where I felt safe.

 I immigrated back to my country of birth with a suitcase in one hand and R10 000 in the other…

LOCKDOWN….. Fu……..K

Just a side note: To those idiots who thought saving 10 000 lives was worth destroying 7.9 billion lives… well done! (if you don’t get the sarcasm in the “well done!” let me assure you it is there.) 

I’ll try to be totally honest, if i can…

The move from Africa to Europe has definitely been worth it. My personal fear level is well down. Which is a gift I won't easily give up again. The fact that I don’t have to look over my shoulder constantly or live in a prison like home is just mind blowing. For those of you who don’t know what I mean, be eternally grateful. For those of you who do, strongly consider the move… Even though my life is quite literally shantytown style I still feel grateful for the lifting of constant fear!

My life now is hard, no if's and's or but’s about it. I live in poverty in a 2m x 6m wooden shack with no running water or plumbing. I shit in a bucket and fetch water daily. Winter is brutal and my current ‘Job’ is manual labor at quite honestly slave wages! I have good days and bad days. surprisingly mostly good. I am so grateful to my dearest friends who have given me a space to call my own. I do my best to help out where and when I can. (‘when’ being rare as I’m exhausted) I will oneday repay this kindness TEN fold. (heyyy…. I have a goal!)

 let no one bullshit you into thinking tiny house living from scratch is a breeze. It really isn’t unless of course you have money and happen to be a carpenterelectricianplumberarckitect/legaladveket! In which case easy peasy! I have literally no Idea what I’m doing which in turn means every decision on what to do is agonizingly difficult. 

Thank you  YouTube! I’m currently trying to figure out a rainwater storage filter thingy… but I can't afford to buy the food grade drums necessary, not to mention the downpipes. so I have a bucket which catches the rain spilling off the roof. It definitely saves me some carrying as I use it to wash up with and clean surfaces (including me). For hot water I have a kettle so my morning and evening bathroom routine isn't quite so unpleasant. Mind you it’s winter now so it freezes up, will have to figure a way round that as well. sigh…!

Power is the next thing on the agenda. I have some. An extension cord running from the main house, (about 50 meters away) lets me run a fridge and a lightbulb. When I turn on the kettle the light dims to near nothing so I have a torch too! Heating is provided by an apply name petroliam heater called Corona, I find that amusing. The problem is I cant leave it unattended or running through the night as, it is a danger. So waking up with my ears screaming when it hits negative degrees, is a thing. The first time it happened I actually thought someone was singing outside my window. There was no one but Mister Frost beting my eardrum! I dream of underfloor heating and a shower. (oooh another goal!) 

I’m not writing this for your sympathy, sympathy is useless anyways! I’m quite aware that I am responsible for where I am. True! was definitely not how I planned it but it is were my actions have put me! I've been living like this for two years now and trying to come to terms with how it is! It’s a long process of seeing the world as it is and not the fancy fairy tail in my head.  Every choice has a consequence, whether it’s ‘a good choice’ or ‘a bad choice' is irrelevant, it has a reaction that I live in. 

I'm 53 today, in good physical shape. I have a good head on my shoulders even though it doesn't always feel that way. I have no idea how I'm going to pull this off. I know I’ll need help to do it and I know there is only one person in charge and that would be me.

So happy Birthday to me, onward we go!