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Birthday 2023

11th March 2023, that's where I am! What can I say, I fucked up! I forgot to look out for number one! You know how when an airplane loses pressure and the oxygen mask falls from the ceiling you are supposed to put it on yourself first and then help the others around you!? Well, I’m one of those idiots who ran to the back of the plane to make sure the oxygen was on and then put the mask on every passenger I passed on my way back to my own seat…. ok that makes me out to be some kind of saint, I'm definitely not that. I am greedy and needy just like everyone else (whether I want to admit it or not). I just don’t seem to be able to shake that society rule that states I have to be good to be a worthy person. I have always had guilt when things go well for me. Which means I have often ‘bought’ my acceptance into my idea of society at the cost of my own well being. Instead of investing in my own future I helped others in financial trouble. Instead of purchasing my own home I paid bill...
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Seperate?

Finding Myself in this Life is so very hard. The constant comparison is never-ending, cousins ,neighbours, magazines and movie stars. I see now why sitting on a mountain top or a cabin in the woods would be ideal! But the “I” is stubborn, she wants to fit in and yet wants to go out. Building my path, is the journey of my life. Isn’t the point of being to BE… I agree we are one, a part of the ALL. But I’m not convinced that we are meant to : BE ONE, with all. Is it not that we choose to be a separate, single, in order to experience the whole? To actually know the whole as one… The ocean is one ocean. Call it what you will; Atlantic, Pacific or Indian. It is the same water. It is icy and tropical, stormy and calm! It is all of this at the same time, there is no separation in time. It only Matters where you are looking…
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The Parts of ME/I/SHE

 So many parts make up this life I call “I”… Some of me is reactive, there is no thought before action. It just happens! It’s a response. That might be the actual “I” the pure “ME”, uncensored by my thoughts, not caged by my rules. I’m not sure I dare allow that to be the “I” the world sees moment to moment. She can be abrupt and in your face, its not really ideal. But on the other hand she is also kind, compassionate and cares deeply about the world at large. She says exactly what she means and this can be harsh… or soft. She is also vulnerable and feels immense hurt. She senses lies, deceit and it breaks her hart. Some of me is calculated, ruled by thought. Watching the world around, being protective of the self. Not allowing people in as the risk of pain is more than I can handle. She knows the game, has learnt the moves! Watches, listens.. waits to see. She can be nasty or charming if that’s what she chooses. She seems to know how to handle herself in any situation. Using the a...
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Who am I, putting this out here for you to see?!

The title is actually the reason for me to put this out here… I’m here trying to figure out this LIFE thing, who am I, why am I and what on earth am I supposed to do! The best way I have found to figure things out is for me to say things out loud. Sometimes just the act of expressing my thinking’s is enough for me to see the truth or errors in it.  The act of putting a thought on paper, or keyboard in this case, means I consider it more closely rather than just having a “brain fart”. Naturally it can also confuse me even more but at least its there and I can look at it..  Who really knows anything, I know I don’t!  Ideas and thoughts change with time and experience. With that in mind even if no one else ever sees or reads my words they are here for me to look back on and wonder.  So many wonderfully clever people put out there thoughts on the internet… So perhaps there is a little room for a not so smart nobody like me. I’m not trained in anything at all. I have abso...
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